Dealing with betrayal in close relationships: Does commitment promote forgiveness?

This work complements existing research regarding the forgiveness process by highlighting the role of commitment in motivating forgiveness. On the basis of an interdependence–theoretic analysis, the authors suggest that (a) victims’ self-oriented reactions to betrayal are antithetical to forgiveness, favoring impulses such as grudge and vengeance, and (b) forgiveness rests on prorelationship motivation, one cause of which is strong commitment. A priming experiment, a cross-sectional survey study, and an interaction record study revealed evidence of associations (or causal effects) of commitment with forgiveness. The commitment–forgiveness association appearred to rest on intent to persist rather than long-term orientation or psychological attachment. In addition, the commitment–forgiveness association was mediated by cognitive interpretations of betrayal incidents; evidence for mediation by emotional reactions was inconsistent. Although close partners often treat one another in a positive and considerate manner, negative interactions are nearly inevitable. Such interactions result from a variety of causes, including incompatible preferences, external sources of stress, and extrarelationship temptation. We suggest that the violation of a relationshiprelevant norm— or betrayal of one’s partner— constitutes one of the more serious threats to a relationship, and we propose that the resolution of betrayal incidents is not easy. Indeed, forgiveness of betrayal arguably is one of the more difficult tasks in an ongoing relationship. The film The War of the Rosesdarkly and humorously illustrates the complexities of betrayal and forgiveness: The marriage of Oliver and Barbara Rose is marked by repeated betrayal. Oliver belittles Barbara’s career as a chef. Barbara fails to support Oliver during a frightening health crisis. Each humiliates the other, delivering impossible-to-forget attacks on the other’s tastes and habits. Cumulatively, such incidents reduce their once-loving marriage to a sequence of vicious, increasingly deadly battles. During their marital Armageddon, the two find themselves entangled in a chandelier suspended above a hallway. The mechanism supporting the chandelier gives way, and— embraced in the arms of the chandelier—the two crash to the unyielding terazzo floor 30 feet below. With his dying breath, Oliver reaches out to touch Barbara’s shoulder, offering amends and seeking forgiveness. Barbara’s hand slowly rises to meet Oliver’s (perhaps, one imagines, to reciprocate Oliver’s act), and with her dying breath, Barbara flings Oliver’s hand away from her. Again, forgiveness of betrayal arguably is one of the more difficult tasks in an ongoing relationship.